Thursday, August 6, 2009

The days you want to quit.

Warning: I have a really awful story. Really. Awful. I am not sure I am ready to tell it - I don't know if you want to read it. I just know I am sick. So sad and so sick and so want to throw in the towel on loving animals.

Yesterday we found Milhouse dead. In the house. Several months - over a year actually, of serious denial have hit us so hard that I don't really know how to start coming back.

Max killed Milhouse. And we know know he must have also killed Boone. I had convinced myself that the Boone incident was a terrible accident. And I suppose it was. I don't think Max likely meant to kill either cat, but here we are. Two dead kittens and a dog in the animal shelter. I am devastated. I don't feel like I can ever have more pets. I just can't do this kind of pain again.

I am still in shock and after five ducks, two turkeys and two kittens, still in denial about Max. That dog slept with Milhouse. They were friends. I don't understand how this could have happened.

I just want Milhouse back. I failed him so miserably. I am trying to make things right, but losing two pets in one day does not feel "right." I just want Milhouse back.

And I really want to quit sometimes.

What I know is that we can't keep taking in hard luck strays. Not every animal can come live on our farm. We can't fix what is wrong with hard-to-place rescue dogs.

That being said, Little Chicken will stay. But without her best friend. We both just want Milhouse back. Sometimes life really, really sucks.

9 comments:

TreehuggingDoglover said...

Lisa,
I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot begin to imagine your heart break right now. The two of you have such big hearts though. Don't deny future pets the benefits of all that love.

Catherine said...

I am so sorry. I unexpectedly lost my 10 year old cat a few months ago. She just suddently died probably from come undiagnosed heart problem. It was devatating so I know how hard the unexpected loss is. I can't imagine going through it twice. I took the plunge and now have two adorable kittens. A house is so much more a home with animals. I hope you can somehow enjoy all the multitude of furry and feathered friends that you have until you can also take the leap and get another sweet little kitten! It is worth it in the end.

pleintexasgirl said...

Lisa, I had a hard lesson taught to me by my beloved dog when I was younger. Spare you the gruesome story (I have tears at the thought), but it was in ranch country West Texas. The vet had to explain to me "animal instinct". There is no way around it. It is a hard pill, I know. And yes, you will be more selective about what to comes to live with you knowing that predatory instinct will take over any love. Hang in there, a lesson learned dear girl.

Hunter said...

So sorry about Milhouse and Max. Hang in there, y'all.

x o x o u i said...

Sigh... Well, that is just sad. :-( I know it was difficult to write this entry, too, but thank you for sharing it. We are all sending a little love your way.

Kate said...

Hang in there Lisa. You both care so deeply for your animals and you did nothing NOTHING wrong.

LeeAnne said...

I am sorry to hear about your loss...

Pam said...

Gosh, Lisa, I am just catching up on my blog reading and am soooooo sad to read this. Sorry I didn't know when I saw you yesterday. It is amazing how attached we get to our furry friends. I have told you before that I know that I could never be a farmer. But you are a great one. Hang in there.

xo

Kristin said...

Ughhhh...so, so sad for you guys, for Millhouse, and for Max. I know it's hard, but I know Max had a wonderful life during the time he spent with you guys...a time he likely wouldn't have had if you hadn't taken him in.

So sorry about your losses...